Got a toothbrush?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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