That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
