I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
