She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We had to coat check the pizza.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
