my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Randomize
