I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
