Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
