I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
