The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
