we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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