Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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