God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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