Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
