Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize