k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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