I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
