She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Randomize
