no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize