Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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