That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
