if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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