you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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