I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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