you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
