he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
