I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
