halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
