The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
