More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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