I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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