I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
