Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
