I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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