please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize