I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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