My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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