I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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