alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
