Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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