Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
