I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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