Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
