I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
