i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I believe in your delicious
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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