I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
