I've blown a few things in my day
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
