a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize