Umm I'm too high to move.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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