im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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