I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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