Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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