I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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