Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize