If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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