I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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