Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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