He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
