so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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