Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
