New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
