My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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