Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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